This is our beautiful new niece who was all of a few hours old. She was born this past weekend, and we got to meet her while she was 'still new'! We drove to the Seattle area and back in one day - whew - but we would do it again in a heartbeat. There was something so incredibly special about meeting our niece the day she was born. Such a miracle, such a celebration, such a gift!Seeing her also brought back a lot of memories of Elijah. As Todd said, sometimes we don't realize how much we missed, but holding her made the things we did miss all the more evident.
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I never held my own child the day he was born. I saw him only twice for just a few moments. I will never forget the first glimpse, because he was limp and purple and dangling like a ragdoll from the doctor's hands. Then he was whisked away and surrounded by scrub-wearing strangers.
The second time I was still in my blood-stained gown and barely able to walk. Somehow I made it to the nursery so I could meet him. There he was, not quite cleaned up, wires all over and hooked up to a respirator. His eyes were closed and he looked very, very sick. He didn't move, except for something that the nurse said was a seizure. However, one little eye opened for a second when he heard his mommy. Todd and I were weeping and trying to sing 'Jesus Loves Me' when the helicopter people came to take him.
In the following days, I could only lean over the clear plastic bed where he lay in the NICU and sob, breathing in his newborn smell. I thought I would be crying for the rest of my life, especially after the doctors told us our child would probably never walk or talk.
Those were some of the memories that came flooding back this weekend. I had a hard time writing them down. I guess some things will always be pretty raw. Pain is somehow beautiful, you know? As much as God has taught me because of Elijah -- and knowing that he is one of the greatest blessings of my life -- I never want to lose the memory of how much those days hurt. Not that I want to dwell or live in a perpetual state of grief, but I want to remember the brokenness.
Sounds like something only a crazy person would write, but I will always be grateful for the intensity of that pain, because it has changed me. It's taken me deeper into Jesus Christ. I know His beauty, I know His comfort. I know a strength that goes beyond the limits of human endurance -- not my own, but God's. And because of that I am looking forward to seeing Him whenever He gets here, or I go there. I'll be runnin' to meet my God...
Come soon, Lord Jesus!
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Grandma and 2/3rds of her grandkids!
Two sweeter faces could not be found...we praise you, God, for this new baby girl!
7 comments:
Wow Julie and Todd...what great photos. I love reading through everything!
Lauren had her baby on Sept. 10. chubby cheeks and cuddly! 8 lbs, 6 ounces. His name is John - Mark. They will call him "JohnMark."
Carrie
Julie,
I understand the feeling of not wanting to forget the pain of those days. I have some pain that I don't want to forget either and recently something brought all of that back and it has drawn me back into God's very protective loving arms.
Any plans to come back around for the holidays?
ok, not fair making us all cry reading that. that second picture of elijah holding his cousin is just too precious for words. His face just says it all.
Thankyou, Julie for honoring your grief and pain. I know that as a counselor I am biased but you are such an example of the great need we have in our world to not stifle our pain but rather honor it and let it shape us into deeper human beings. And those pictures of Elijah are just so breathtaking. He is such an adorable little boy! Next time you are in Seattle let us know...we would love to see you all!
Hello dear friend, it has been WAY too long....my eyes filled with tears reading through your posts...I love to read of all God has and is teaching you....it encourages me so much!! I smiled at you feeling like Elijah's personal assistant, I am so there with you!! It can be so time consuming!!
I love you and am praying for you!! I LOVE the family picture, it is wonderful how Elijah is looking at the camera, a HUGE victory, I know!
Blessings,
Liz
We were so glad you came to see Addy and share that day with us! It was so precious to see Elijah with her. Thanks for sharing your story too. It is good to write it down, and you're not crazy:) We love you guys!!
Julie--the pain and joy-living is such tension.
I thank you for opening your heart and sharing your journey. I am inspired even more by you. Though I sense the pain in this place (your blog), it does not persecute me or bring me down. In fact every time I come here I am inspired and feel full of joy. I immediately think of Romans 8:28. you have such a gift of seeing what God has done, Julie. I am praying for sweet Elijah.
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